Nobody likes you ’cause your dad’s a celebritard.’ So I punched him, Dad. Don’t drop– Come at me, Pizarro. I’m relapsing. That’s why– Look, I already got my project so please stay out of it ’cause I’m working on it.” “So you don’t like warriors, dude. We have shed blood for America in each and every single one of her wars. I don’t drink, no, ’cause I’m always afraid that all the ghetto shit inside of me is gonna come pouring out of me one of these days. You know how hard it is to find these heroes -who were spics and beaners to them?” -[door slams] I guess he just didn’t want my help anymore.

So, Moctezuma goes up to Cortés and says, goes up to Cortés and says, [feminine voice] “Your Lord, you have finally come to your city, Mexico. One – he never set foot in America.

Leguizamo (whose numerous film credits range from “Ice Age” to “Moulin Rouge!”) is equally well-known for his freewheeling stage monologues, in which he infuses stand-up comedy with tales of his coming-of-age, extended family and Hispanic background, including plays such as “Mambo Mouth,” “Freak” and “Ghetto Klown,” many of which have been filmed for television. I shat myself!” “It must be the end of the world! We’re gonna die!” [imitates cannon firing] And a few remaining Aztecs came out feverish for one last battle.

What matters is that the laughs are real, in this case suggesting familiarity with the accommodations that proud people make to an overwhelming force.

Yeah.” “John, what about solo performers?” “Dude, it’s gotta be Spalding Gray. I might let you live.” [sinister snicker] “Okay, you leave me no choice ’cause you’re so butch.” [applause] “So we’re gonna have to distract the masses with a sacrifice.” “Oh, shit, I know. Not even the Spanish are as good as you. Prove it, dickface.” “Ow. Because the Europeans allegedly had superior weapons, genes, intellect, agriculture, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because heroes never back down. The protest prompted a debate over how we as a country should remember our founding: the lingering stain of the Confederacy in the South, the legacy of controversial icons like Christopher Columbus, the ways in which we choose to address the sins of the past. What I’m trying to say to you– -[door slams] Buddy, honey. Too far back! Please let me help, Dad.” “All right, go ahead.” [taps foot] “Buddy?

What do you say behind my back?” “John, look at the time.

Right?” [impish laugh] “Mr. -No. No, because it would ruin the moment when you figure it out all by yourself.” So, all I knew about my history was what my Puerto Rican Uncle Sanny, who was deaf, would teach me, ’cause he was our expert on everything ’cause he was always watching PBS, way too fucking loud… and he’d always be like, “Mijo, don’t say that, pendejo.” “You have to know about yourself because, bebito, we had pyramids and calendars.” “And my great-great grandmother…” “was a Indian princess.” [imitates Indian war cry] “But, Uncle Sanny, my teacher don’t give a carajo!” “Jesus… mijo.” “Get… your shit together.” “Because Latin man…” “has to work twice as hard… to get half as far.” Now, it wasn’t… it wasn’t exactly a wealth of information. I come from a long, long line of philanthropreneurs.” “Oh, yeah? November 15, 2017: Beginning with Mambo Mouth, the 1990 solo show at The American Place Theatre that marked his debut with the quiet subtlety of a cherry bomb in a trash can, John Leguizamo has filled his down-time between movies (the Ice Age franchise; Summer of Sam) with some of the most deceptively funny riffs on matters of consequence ever to be called comedy.

“Buddy, honey, promise me, man, you’re never gonna lose your shit, especially in a argument, my man.

Man, come on. You don’t even know. ‘Cause we were here first, stupid.” “Oh, yeah? And it’s not like the Europeans didn’t give us anything, no, ’cause they gave us typhus, cholera, malaria, measles, tuberculosis, black plague, the common cold, diphtheria, chicken pox, whooping cough, leprosy, and don’t forget rats, roaches, and pigeons. Latin History For Morons BROADWAY REVIEWS, Ain’t Too Proud – The Life And Times Of The Temptations. What you gonna do?

Then what do we do? You don’t know how easy you have it, man. So, between the jewelry and the weapons, we also financed that war. Latin History for Morons was nominated for the 2018 Tony Award for Best Play. They would not drop their man, even if their life depended on it. I’m cool.

“Excuse me, Mr. Jackson.

Sound familiar? From a mad recap of the Aztec Empire to stories of unknown Latin patriots of the Revolutionary War and beyond, Leguizamo breaks down the 3,000 years between the Mayans and Ricky Ricardo into 95 irreverent and uncensored minutes in his trademark style.

What? We have to pretend we can’t even fucking dance. Huh?” [applause] Oh, fuck, man. He doesn’t know how the real world works. “Hey, man. And the last of the Aztecs… were all gone. Who would have thought that colonization could be so much fun?” ♪ Oh, robbing, raping, pillaging, robbing, raping, raping ♪ ♪ Pillaging, robbing, robbing, rape ♪ ♪ Raping, raping, rape ♪ Put us in cages. Ooh.” “All right, Legizmo, before you crap your pants.” “Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, Mr. Flynn. Sir, you look very intelligent. Can you talk to him? I’m relapsing. I wish I were dead. Let’s forget the Civil War. And just as I’m getting so turned on by all of my research… of course, that’s when my wife comes in all fakakta… That’s Yiddish for “boner-killer.” “John, I just got off the phone with Buddy’s history teacher.

Huh? I’m cool. So pay attention ’cause you’re gonna be quizzed. I didn’t see you standing there. Oh, grow up. They started booing the shit outta me. Dad, I forgive you. [man] Stand up, ladies and gentlemen. Simon Bolivar, the George Washington of South America. It’s really done me a world of good.” “Excuse me, but it’s good to know you just give for your own benefit. Because I am Cesar Chavez, and I am Céspedes of the Mets, even though he’s always injured.” “And I am Menudo.” [laughter] “And I am Sonia Sotomayor.” “And I am definitely not Ted Cruz.” [laughter] “But the biggest thing I learned while I was, uh, failing outta school this past year was, as one of my fellow classmates once said to me, ‘You’re the king of nothing. I’m waiting, and then finally my poor wife comes down, all meshuggana. Bet they don’t have the guts to admit this to themselves.” “Dad, do you not like yourself sometimes, too?” “Oh, honey. Ooh, ooh. What do you say we open up the history textbook, and you and I look up what Horace Greeley said? ‘Cause if Moctezuma could prove that Cortés was a god, the Aztec people were sure he was there to make the Aztecs great again. [speaks Spanish] “Only we can kill our king. And trust me, I know it’s confusing, I know it’s confusing… because we Latin people are a bastardly people, and the reason we’re such bastards is because those white European conquistadors came here in the 1500s without women. I don’t know how long I’d been asleep, but it was a long time and… all I could think about is, “God, is my son ever gonna graduate?” Oh, God. And some of us were generals. How did we become so goddamn nonexistent? Come on, man. I’m sorry, chancla is Spanish for flip-flop. “No, John, you don’t get to sit down, no, because you were such a grandmother and went crying to the headmaster. That’s right, baby.

Weinstein, I’m ready for you.” [laughter and groans] So, I leave my therapist’s office with an untreated chronic case of ghetto rage. But not my son, no.

The other factor that undid the Aztecs was their infamous King Moctezuma, who was polling very low… so he colludes with Putin – I mean, Cortés – to set him up as the ancient Aztec god Quetzalcoatl. Historic footnote time, people. What were we thinking? I need lots of help, man, because before I confront others, I gotta learn how to confront myself.

You know me? I had an emergency next week, and I had to give your spot the following week to Anthony Weiner.” So… I leave my therapist’s office, and I sign up for this conference in Texas. Maybe because I’m Latin, you assume we had to be, like it’s a rule or something? -“No. Making us so afraid of being pulled over and profiled that we have to pretend we can’t even speak Spanish. This is my real jam. Ooh. Crooks, murderers and rapists, all out of the jails of Europe. So Columbus brings syphilis to the New World by raping nine-year-old Taíno girls, and then enslaves all the Taínos until he exterminates them. That was your mother.” “Now sit down and shut up.” And, yo, the whole class was like, “You, man,” but not me. Mm.

Please play forward! I’m brainwashed. [laughter] And, yo, he needed that shit. These are a dangerous people. And that, my lovely morons, is called the Caribbean Holocaust. My son’s actually a spic-greaseball-hebe-kike, okay?” The little shit’s dad turns to me, “John, I’m terribly sorry. I had no idea my boy had called your son a beaner. What? -[woman, indistinct] -That’s right, ma’am. Go further, John. You bring us tobacco, cotton, and gold, we’re gonna give you, oh, we’re gonna give you– Hey, excuse me. So, yo, I had to double down and get it right for my son and, luckily for me, I find my ammunition in this mad, explicit book by this Spanish friar, Sahagún, who was writing at the time of the Aztecs and spoke the actual… [speaks gibberish sounding language names] All right, let me break it down for you. ‘Cause the Aztecs were fighting against the most lethal use of germ warfare in history, man. But in the streets, you can’t let nobody punk you, man, so you got my permission to sucker punch that bully’s ass.

They sacrifice their lives to help everyone irregardless, okay? And thirdly, and most importantly, the narcissism… of small… differences. And that’s you. And I knew I needed help, so I went into therapy. I was on tour all summer, and I come home, and, uh… I get to my son’s room, and I hear the bed going… [makes creaking sounds] “Buddy, I’m coming in. Because those “real” illegal-alien pioneers wouldn’t stop fucking coming here. That’s a tough fucking– um, Steve Jobs?” -“Legend.” -“Uh, Billy Joel.” “But, John, what about Marc Anthony?” [unenthused] “Yeah. What a myopic and compromised, gender-biased view of history, Dad. Holla, New York City public-school system. I was like, “Ooh. I haven’t forgotten about you, either. Joder. No. Otherwise, just let you be.” “Okay?” “Let’s go get you dinner. So let’s start by looking at Latin DNA. I kept thinking they’d be so perfect for my son’s history project, and for my son, ’cause my son was this gentle little creature.

Latin History For Fucking Morons. Oh, hell, yeah, because even if we were all the same people, we would find some stupid little fucked-up reason to hate on each other, man. And if they can make something out of nothing…” “then my hero is…” “My…” “hero…” “is…” “me.” [music playing] [cheering and applause] Thank you. Shoot those red bastards. Oh, I loves you. Where the fuck did that shit come from?” “John, other than history textbooks, movies, television, and newspapers, I really don’t know.” “But, John, as a client of mine, who shall remain nameless, because, well, he’s a political figure…” “All right, let’s say he ran for mayor, and a dick pic was his undoing.” “Well, he tells me that there’s this conference in Texas on diversity. And how dare he. Where the hell did you learn that?

And three – when he first encounters the Taínos, he says to them in his own inimitable words, “Hey, you big brown mook, come here. So let’s start by looking at Latin DNA. It’s Buddy’s graduation, and, John, Buddy said he’s gonna have a big surprise for us.

So think of your three best friends. And, yo, we had tons and tons of beautiful, sophisticated, museum-type treasures until they came here– Okay, time-out. Playing a manic professor, Leguizamo goes from the Aztecs and Incas to Sonia Sotomayor and Pitbull searching for someone his son can label a Latin hero.

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